Scholarly opinion has long claimed that Sir Edward Elgar is England’s greatest composer. Consummate orchestration and rich romantic timbre have seen such works as the Enigma Variations, the Cello Concerto in E minor, and the forever popular Pomp and Circumstance marches become staples in orchestral repertoires around the world.
However, Sir Edward had a dark secret. He was absolutely lousy on the trombone.
Cactus. Crap. However you want to put it, Elgar sucked at the trombone. Which probably explains a great many things, as you’re supposed to blow the trombone and not… oh, never mind!
In the hands of a novice (or perhaps a masochist) the trombone simply becomes what its long-winded nickname suggests: a manually operated, wind-powered pitch approximator.
Cruel, but fair.
Elgar started learning the trombone at the age of 43, and we have learnt first-hand how truly bad he was on the instrument from a brief letter written by one of his friends, Ms Dora Penny. Dora was the inspiration for one of the Enigma Variations (Variation X Intermezzo: Allegretto ‘Dorabella’) in which her characteristic laugh is mimicked by the orchestra. Probably because she continually made fun of Elgar’s trombone playing.
Here is the letter in its entirety for your amusement:
On one occasion, he [Elgar] got up and fetched his trombone that was standing in the corner and began trying to play passages in the score. He didn’t do very well and often played a note higher or lower than the one he wanted… and as he swore every time it happened, I got into such a state of hysterics that I didn’t know what to do. Then he turned to me [and said]: ‘How do you expect me to play this dodgasted thing if you laugh?’
I went out of the room as quickly as I could and sat on the chairs, clinging to the banisters ‘til the pain eased but it was no good. I couldn’t stop there as he went on making comic noises, so I went downstairs out of earshot for a bit.
I have never heard a trombone referred to as a ‘dodgasted thing’. But I guess there is a first time for everything!
At around the time Elgar was mis-pitching and being a general nuisance on the trombone, John Merrick (otherwise known as ‘The Elephant Man’) was residing in the London Hospital. It was claimed that ‘persons of nervous dispositions were seen fleeing from the sight of The Elephant Man’.
Much like Ms Dora Penny fleeing from the sound of Elgar’s trombone!
By Andrew Derrett
